FUCKING STEVE

WHY I WILL NEVER BE A REPUBLICAN.............EVER

2006-12-21T10:40:00.000-08:00

I found this little nugget in the New York Times.....dated Dec. 21st.

You have to be fucking kidding me.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WASHINGTON, Dec. 20 — In a letter sent to hundreds of voters this month, Representative Virgil H. Goode Jr., Republican of Virginia, warned that the recent election of the first Muslim to Congress posed a serious threat to the nation’s traditional values.

Representative Virgil H. Goode Jr., left, said Keith Ellison’s decision to use a Koran in a private swearing in for the House of Representatives was a mistake.
Mr. Goode was referring to Keith Ellison, the Minnesota Democrat and criminal defense lawyer who converted to Islam as a college student and was elected to the House in November. Mr. Ellison’s plan to use the Koran during his private swearing-in ceremony in January had outraged some Virginia voters, prompting Mr. Goode to issue a written response to them, a spokesman for Mr. Goode said.
In his letter, which was dated Dec. 5, Mr. Goode said that Americans needed to “wake up” or else there would “likely be many more Muslims elected to office and demanding the use of the Koran.”
“I fear that in the next century we will have many more Muslims in the United States if we do not adopt the strict immigration policies that I believe are necessary to preserve the values and beliefs traditional to the United States of America and to prevent our resources from being swamped,” said Mr. Goode, who vowed to use the Bible when taking his own oath of office.
Mr. Goode declined Wednesday to comment on his letter, which quickly stirred a furor among some Congressional Democrats and Muslim Americans, who accused him of bigotry and intolerance.
They noted that the Constitution specifically bars any religious screening of members of Congress and that the actual swearing in of those lawmakers occurs without any religious texts. The use of the Bible or Koran occurs only in private ceremonial events that take place after lawmakers have officially sworn to uphold the Constitution.
Mr. Ellison dismissed Mr. Goode’s comments, saying they seemed ill informed about his personal origins as well as about Constitutional protections of religious freedom. “I’m not an immigrant,” added Mr. Ellison, who traces his American ancestors back to 1742. “I’m an African-American.”
Since the November election, Mr. Ellison said, he has received hostile phone calls and e-mail messages along with some death threats. But in an interview on Wednesday, he emphasized that members of Congress and ordinary citizens had been overwhelmingly supportive and said he was focusing on setting up his Congressional office, getting phone lines hooked up and staff members hired, not on negative comments.
“I’m not a religious scholar, I’m a politician, and I do what politicians do, which is hopefully pass legislation to help the nation,” said Mr. Ellison, who said he planned to focus on secular issues like increasing the federal minimum wage and getting health insurance for the uninsured.
“I’m looking forward to making friends with Representative Goode, or at least getting to know him,” Mr. Ellison said, speaking by telephone from Minneapolis. “I want to let him know that there’s nothing to fear. The fact that there are many different faiths, many different colors and many different cultures in America is a great strength.”
In Washington, Brendan Daly, a spokesman for the incoming House speaker, Nancy Pelosi of California, called Mr. Goode’s letter “offensive.” Corey Saylor, legislative director for the Council on American-Islamic Relations, criticized what he described as Mr. Goode’s “message of intolerance.”

Representative Bill Pascrell Jr., Democrat of New Jersey, urged Mr. Goode to reach out to Muslims in Virginia and learn “to dispel misconceptions instead of promoting them.”

“Keith Ellison serves as a great example of Muslim Americans in our nation, and he does not have to answer to you, to me or anyone else in regards to questions about his faith,” said Mr. Pascrell, whose district includes many Arab-Americans.

The fracas over Mr. Ellison’s decision to use the Koran during his personal swearing-in ceremony began last month when Dennis Prager, a conservative columnist and radio host, condemned the decision as one that would undermine American civilization.

“Ellison’s doing so will embolden Islamic extremists and make new ones, as Islamists, rightly or wrongly, see the first sign of the realization of their greatest goal — the Islamicization of America,” said Mr. Prager, who said the Bible was the only relevant religious text in the United States.

“If you are incapable of taking an oath on that book, don’t serve in Congress,” Mr. Prager said.
In his letter, Mr. Goode echoed that view, saying that he did not “subscribe to using the Koran in any way.” He also called for ending illegal immigration and reducing legal immigration.
Linwood Duncan, a spokesman for Mr. Goode, said the Virginia lawmaker had no intention of backing down, despite the furor.

“He stands by the letter,” Mr. Duncan said. “He has no intention of apologizing.”
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My favorite part: Dennis Prager said "The Bible is the only revelant religous text in the United State. If you are incapable of taking an oath on that book, don't serve in Congress,".

Nothing like the seperation of church and state. I bet Jefferson just shit his pants.

Look Who's back in the Mother Fucking House

2006-12-13T11:45:00.000-08:00

Big Fat Dick for Your Motherfucking Mouth.

I'm back and instead of boring you with all the awesome, beautiful, wonderful, and fun parts of my trip to Cuba, I'm going to tell you about some things that sucked.

Before I start I do want to say that it was a fantastic trip and I had a blast and would go back in a second.

Ok here goes:

Apparently "reservation" in Cuba means go fuck yourself. In America it means "A place where Indians live and white people go to gamble."

We got to Havana on friday night at about 1am and went to the house that was supposed to have a fresh bed waiting for us. When we got there the owner of the casa said that he gave it to someone else.

Thanks buddy, no don't worry about it. Were fine, how hard can it be for two strange white people to find a room in a random house at 1am in the poorest part of Havana.

apparently not impossible because we found one in about an hour.

So then we decided to go get drunk but when we came back to our room are stuff had been rummaged through and I was missing$200. They didn't take all my money just some. Which I guess it was just there way of saying,

"Hide your money in a better spot next time fuckface." (They would have said it in spanish but you get the picture).

So that sucked because it was impossible for us to get any money from anywhere. We only had what we brought .

Other than that there was only one real problem that I had in Cuba and that was finding a decent Poo Hut to kill Nazi's in. Every toilet in Cuba was unbearable. I don't know if Cubans collect toilet seats or what but I don't remeber seeing one toilet that hadn't had its seat ripped off.

If that wasn't bad enough there was always a woman sitting in a chair just outside the bathroom hissing at you as you left to put money in her little cup. I guess she was some type of bathroom attendant. Except all the bathrooms were out of toilet paper, toilet seats, piss everywhere, and usually she was half asleep. I wasn't sure what she wanted money for so I didn't give her anything because I shouldn't have to pay to sit in someone else's piss. I think that should be a general rule and Cuba is a country full of rules.

Speaking of Bathroom Attendants in general. I don't believe there is any reason for this job. I can get my own towel. It forces you to do that weird/awkward pat your pockets thing.

"I'm sorry I just gave my last dollar bill to that stripper with the 12 inch c-section scar."

Looking forward to getting obnoxiously drunk with my friends this weekend.

Bye Bye Mikey Bye Bye.

EAT A DICK

F. Steve

Cuba

2006-11-29T06:51:00.000-08:00

Sorry its been awhile. Just couldn't muster the strength. Where do I start.

I'm leaving for Cuba on Friday and if one more person asks me the following questions I'm going to throw them under a buss tire.

"Are going to meet with Castro?"

What?? Why does everyone say this?? When people travel to America do people ask them if they're going to see Bush?

My response: Yeah I'm going to have fucking tea with him.

"Why are you going to Cuba?? Whats to see there???"

My response: I don't know maybe I have generally human curiosity. I like to see and experience things that are completely different from my everyday grind. There is whole world out there people. And maybe my asshole doesn't prune up everytime I leave Maple Grove because there are dark skinned people around me.

These are the same people that have no doubt in there minds that America is the best country in the world and that all of our foriegn policy is just and fair. Even though they have never been outside the mid-fucking-west.

I'm going because its a beautiful tropical country where the likes of Hemmingway used play. A country where I can see communism first hand. An etho so different from our own. A rich international political history and Cuban baseball, Cuban music, Cuban rum, and Cuban cigars.

Finally I'm going because the people that ask me these stupid questions aren't going to be there.

EAT A FAT DICK

F. Steve

Banned, Drunk, Depressed

2006-10-30T11:01:00.000-08:00

Oh timmy buss what fun we have together. Started the weekend out with the buss at the new Bulldog in NE Minneapolis. Its only 4 blocks from my house and its sweet. Great beer selection and awesome shuffle board. Its too bad I got too drunk and banned from my new favorite bar. All I did was steel a huge sign and put it into the back of a car. Oh yeah I had about 400 costers hidden in my pants. The bouncers had to pull me out of the car because I wouldn't get out and then they held me and took my picture. I asked them if they wanted me to sign it for them. Apparently I'm not welcome there anymore. But thats what they said at Keegans and I go that dam place all the time.

Then I ended up a fucking frat house party on campus. Wow, I mean my self-esteem was hanging right around normal and needed to be kicked down to the "I want to fucking kill myself" level. I'm glad I can't remeber anything because I'm sure I was jerking off onto crackers, raping girls, having sex with animals, drinking beer off someones ass crack (thats what frat boys do right???).

Saturday I went to Prescott WI. Enough said.

Today at work I was walking around the skyway to get something to eat and this guy ahead of me kept stopping and pointing at people saying "Fuck Ass" right to their faces. He was obviously insane but I fell in love with him. I would have followed him all day if I could. Just to see the looks on people's faces. This guy is my hero. I can't wait to just loose my fucking shit one day and have no boundries, or sense of social norms to hold me back. Just letting loose and calling corporate stuffy types "fuck assess" all day. It will be like when I'm drunk.

EAT A DICK

F. Steve

SHOW TOMORROW NIGHT @ THE UNDERGROUND

2006-10-20T10:18:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night (Oct. 21st) I am performing at The Underground in the basement of the Corner Bar. Show starts at 10pm and it will be featuring Marc Dickhut, Scott Brady, Daryl Horner, and myself. Its going to be a great show and its only $5 to get in. There will be drink specials and lots of craziness.

Come and buy me drinks while I am on stage. There is an 8pm show as well but I would advise you to go to the 10pm show.

I know that only 5 people read this blog but there might be others.

See you there.

EAT A DICK

F. Steve

Confederate Flags and Larry the Cable Guy

2006-10-18T11:10:00.000-07:00

I have absolutely had enough of this shit. "Git R Done" is the worst phenomena of our generations culture. It is, by far the worst.

What pisses me off the most is that "Larry" wasn't always "the cable guy". Believe it or not this guy used to be Dan Whitney and he was regular comic that had a slight southern draw, short hair, khaki pants and a dress shirt. I'm serious, go to this link http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c75fUO5bvms check it out.

This of course means that somewhere down the line he decided that he was cutting it as "Dan" so he said to himself;

"why don't I just tear the sleeves off a flannel shirt, talk like a babbling retard, get a catch phrase, carry around a confederate flag guitar, and tell fart and nigger jokes. Yeah that'll be the ticket.......yeee ha."

This brings me to the Confederate Flag. Its not even offensive to me, its not. I just feel bad for the people that sport them. I do, I feel pity for these people. The fucking civil war ended a long time ago, a really long time ago. I would be willing to bet that if you go to Germany today (never been there so maybe I'm wrong) you would be hard pressed to find a large number people sporting Nazi apparel.

Now if you're from the south maybe you have an argument. Its my heritage and our history blah blah blah jerk me off. Its still stupid but its not as bad as the fucking people who were born and raised in the north that wave it around like they're cheering for the Green Bay Packers.

The single greatest day of my life to this date is when a kid in my highschool, who had a big confederate flag swinging in the back of his truck, got his truck set on fire in the highschool parking lot.

I was laying in that parking lot laughing my ass off for 3 straight days. I think I praised Jesus that day.

Oh yeah show at the Corner Bar this Saturday night. $5 show is at 10pm come and buy me drinks while I'm on stage.

EAT A DICK

F. Steve

Dickheads

2006-10-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

Look, I'm a fucking dick. I realize this but with that said there is a set of unwritten rules that all fucking steves must abide by. I'm serious about this, its been passed down from my dad to my older brothers and now down to me. Think of it as declaration or a manifesto (for us lefties). I'm not going to go into details on this one but it basically can be summed up by saying this:

As long as its FUNNY and it doesn't physically hurt them do what you. (unless its some frat douche, softball player, a guy wearing football jersey, or a guy with a muscle shirt and spiked hair. You can do whatever you want to these fucking people. Also asian people, I don't like those people at all.) Yes, Timmy moustache rides are funny. Don't missunderstand this blog.

There are some who don't understand that the main purpose of being a fucking-steve is to make your friends laugh. There has never ever been a time when I was seriously trying to insult my friends. If I did by something I said or by losing there bike I would say I was sorry and pay for whatever I broke or lost. The key here is not asshole its FUNNY. Some people are just fucking assholes and not funny. These people suck.

There is a fine line between asshole funny and just plain asshole.

All assholes smell like shit but at least a funny asshole will make you laugh while you plug your nose.

EAT A FAT DICK

F. Steve

when whiskey turns into bloody legs

2006-10-10T13:43:00.000-07:00

Awww the weekend finally ended. I made out alive, bloody but alive.

The ride down:

Left at 2pm. Got to Timmys and guess what he was high.....no fucking way.

Anyway, we spent the first part of the ride playing the Penis Game and making fun of everybody. Then we hit our first delay. "Dude take Highway 10" so we did which slowed us down. We did make it to the second half of little brother's football. It reminded me of how much I hate highschool kids and how much I don't miss the town I grew up in. My brother played great and they won. He's kind of stud. He reminds people of a young steve gillespie if steve gillespie would have played football.

Then the fun starts. On our way to Milwaukee we stopped at a gas station and as sideburnz is getting out of the car some 16 year old girl comes flying in the next spot and runs into my door. I just bought the car for fuck sake. First thing she says is "don't call the cops because we have weed and beer in the car." Not something I would just blurt out to anyone if I were them but in any case I was cool about it. I let her get rid of the evidence before I called the cops to report it for insurance purposes. I'm a fucking dick but only to my friends.

We get to Milwaukee after some bad directions from our host and at this point I'm extremely fired up and ready to drink myself into an oblivion. I don't really remember much from that point on.

what I remember:

Screech destroying some chick in a dance off
Girls not wanting to dance with me
Screech wanting to dance with me
Slam'n sideburnz's drinks
Timmy telling me he's going to kill me or kick my ass
Humping Timmy with a big rubber blue ball in my underwear.

The next day:

Woke up to timmy's annoying alarm clock voice at 8am. Bitched at Timmy while he slept after he woke everyone up. Then we had breakfest and then starting drinking.

I don't know if you know this but let me let you in on a secret. Drinking beer out of 7 ounce bottles is fucking hot. Never tasted better and never have I been so drunk at 1 in the afternoon. Throwing shoes at screechs new car and pissing outside. It was super fun.

Took a nap and then woke up and went out to the bars again. This is where things get stupid. Decided to just drink whiskey waters and that went well for awhile.

But then I started to jump in front of people throwing darts and running over the top of parked cars at 2am. I beat myself up pretty good. Sometimes you eat the car and well sometimes the car eats you. Peanut butter buttholes.

Finished the night humping Timmy with the big blue rubber ball, in my underwear.

EAT A FUCKING DICK

Shows and Pedophiles

2006-10-05T14:03:00.000-07:00

Nothing to new and exciting but a couple things that will hopefully entertain.

I have booked 3 paid gigs for Oct. and that fucking sweet. Probably doesn't seem like a lot but it is for someone that is just starting to get these types of shows. If you read this and want to come, I would advise you to come to the show at the Comedy Corner Underground on Saturday Oct. 21st at 10 pm. The club is in the basement of the corner bar, the show is only $5 and its a shit ton of fun down there. Very intimate setting and there will be a lot partying on and off stage. Come and enjoy and buy me a drink while im on stage.

If you have any questions check myspace and send me a message:
http://www.myspace.com/carsrcoffins

All right enough of that shit. Lets talk about what I'm sure you are all waiting for Pedophiles. So there is this 49 year old dude that hangs out at all the local bars in my home town. He one of those "lifers" that have been in the town forever. He loves the Packers, Brett Farve, Guns, local highschool sports, the war, and apparently adolescent boys.

For whatever reason everytime I go home and hit up one of these hillybilly joints the dude happens to be there. Now I never really thought of him as a potential sexual predator. I mean he was strange but nice enough. He knows of my younger brother and remembers me when I was in High School because of sports and all that bullshit. He was nice enough and never crossed any of my personal boundaries at first. Some other people informed me that he has his fair share of accusations. Look, I grew up in that town and rumors fly like the shit out of my ass when I was in Central America. So again I didn't really pay any attention to it. But over the last couple years I have ran into this guy more and more at the bars and he has become very aggressive. Following me into the bathroom, trying to buy me a ton of drinks, putting his hands on me, that kind shit. The kind of shit that even Mikey doesn't do. Its gotten to the point where I pretty much avoid being anywhere near him when I'm at home. If I see him at the bar, I run to the next one, or stagger depending on what time it is.

Well, with that said yesterday I got a friend request and a message from this dude on Myspace. 49 year olds on myspace is creepy enough but I looked at his page and almost all of his "Friends" are these very young (very very young) looking male gay porn stars. Let me say that there isn't anything wrong with the gay love. Do whatever makes you feel good as long as it consensual and at the legal age. I don't care and I don't have anything to say about it but this is a little more than creepy for me.

I didn't accept his request and I didn't answer his message and he keeps resending them. Its fucked up.

I mean I know I deserve it for all the times I annoyed girls at the bar and all but this is getting out of hand.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't so fucking sexy. There just isn't enough to go around I guess.

If anyone is grossed out by this blog, I don't apologize. Its my journal and this is what is going on in my life.

Speaking of pedophiles, Timmy, sideburnz, maybe Ed and I are going down to see screech this weekend. There should be something to write about when I get back.

Alright everyone EAT A DICK

KICK ASS FUCK YEAHS

2006-09-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

So I don't like Mikey and I don't really want him on our new team but what can I do? Other people want him on the team.

My weekend was full of beer, jag, whiskey, and some jokes. Friday I did an extremely drunk set at the corner. It still went well. I had fun fucking around. Sideburnz and I were able to score some cheap High Life deals at the big ten. Something like $3.50 for a pitcher. Thanks sideburnz. For you others that read this blog that I don't know. Please do not go there and ruin it for me. I don't want anyone else to be there when I'm at the big ten. Just Sideburnz, Devil, maybe maria if she's not being mouthy, screech, timmy, and Mikey even though I hate him.

Anyway, Mikey showed up with his ultra sweet cousin. Its funny how someone can have a sweet cousin and then suck so fucking bad. We all got very, very, drunk. Then I did my show and then we drank more. I ended up at liz's (I believe its Liz, maybe its Aliz. I don't fucking know) house. I'm not going to go into details but I'm sure I annoyed everyone there and then lost a very crucial game of Paper, Rock, Sisccors. Went home at 4:30am and someone was playing very loud music in my apartment building so I went and knocked on their door to tell them to shut the fuck up. The dude started arguing with me and then asked me if I wanted to smoke pot, which was just what I needed after 16 beers and 3 shots. There were like 3 other people there and they were cool. But the dude that let me in started getting all crazy. He was yelling at the other dudes and he was waving a hunting knife all around. Very gonzoish.

I left and went to bed.

Saturday:

Went to the Minnesota Comedy Club up in Maplewood and had a really, really good set. SO that was cool. I took it easy and just talked to the waitress that I like (read previous blog). She's really cool and she gave me a ride home after the show, very nice of her. I'm sure she'll have some karma coming her way. I got stranded out there because the comic that drove me out there got really drunk and couldn't drive.

Yes, I'm buying a car. I have it narrowed down but I'm leaning towards a saturn. This doesn't mean I will not ride my bike every where, I just need a car for when I need to travel, which will hopefully be happening more often.

Fuck off and Eat a Dick,

F. Steve

More Randoms from a Drunkard

2006-09-14T13:14:00.000-07:00

So I didn't exactly slow down this pass weekend like I claimed I would (read previous blog). I don't know maybe there is something appealing about pushing everything to the limit or maybe thats just the whiskey. Or maybe because I have been reading "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas". I know Jana and Mikey, you guys read that way back in high school and you're all so smart and whatever.

Ok moving on to what went down. On friday I got talked into going down to Prescott, WI to hangout with my college friend and large group of hill billies listening to ACDC or whatever. They told me that there was a street festival with a sweet band. This "sweet band" played every 70's and 80's cover song you could think of. I thought I was at a fucking wedding reception. "Moany! Moany! Moany! Hey!" You get the picture. I drank about 383 Bud Lights (only choice) just to keep from killing myself. I woke the next day to my friends angry wife. She wouldn't say a word to us. Just kicked us out and told him to come back alone. Poor guy.

On saturday I was asked to come out to the Minnesota Comedy Club and do a guest set. The first show was at 8pm and I did very well. The booker asked me to stay for the second show at 10:3pm and do an even longer set which went ok. The bar tender was feeding free whiskey and cokes the whole night and I was having fun dicking around with the older comics. Dennis Anton was the headliner and he has been on the road forever and I really enjoyed shooting the shit with him. By the end of the show I was really ripped and hot gotten into a couple verbal altercations on stage with a couple different audience members. They deserved and even the booker was happy with me doing that. He said that I had to defend myself or else they would have eaten up the headliner with all there bullshit. I felt like an asshole but whats got to be done has got to be done. Before I left I flirted with one of the waitresses and exchanged phone #'s. I think she's over 18. Hopefully not.

I left the club and this is where things got out of hand. Warning: if you think I care what you think....talk to my friends and they will tell you that I don't. OK had to put that out there.

I went to the otter and continued my Cal Ripken like consumption record. This is where things get a little blurry. Basically remember waking up at 4:30am with a girl in my bed and then saying to myself "Fuck it, its probably dream". Then I woke up at 9am and she was still there and it was an awkward morning to say the least. We both didn't know what the fuck went down. I know for sure we didn't you know "Hop on the good foot and do the bad thing" because I didn't have a condom and she said that we didn't you know put the meat in the oven. Not her exact words but you get the picture.

OK on to Sunday. I had an audition at the Wisconsin Dells Comedy club at 8pm and had to get my head clear by 2pm because that was when the headliner for the show was picking me up. Got in the car, drove 4 hours did the show and it sucked. No crowd, they dicked us around about the money they were going to pay us and then informed Wayne (headliner) that they did not get a room for him. We turned around drove all the way back at 11:30pm.

Got on at Acme on Monday and that went really well. So you know strikes and gutters.

EAT A HUGE DICK WITH A CLOWN HAT ON TOP OF IT

Fucking Steve

Randoms from a Drunkard

2006-09-08T11:55:00.000-07:00

I think I might have to slow down on the boozing. I had a pretty rough last weekend. My friend zittlow came up to see the acme show and I don't remeber what happened the next 2 days. A very drunken blurr.

My set on friday night went very well and I got great feed back from everyone that went.

Some random girl came up to me after the show and said I was very funny but if she saw me at a bar she would in her words "run away". What the fuck?!?! Why did she say that. What a cunt.

Anyway, I ended placing second to Lance Fisher that night and didn't make it to the finals. Lance is very funny and a good friend of mine so I'm not too upset. We both had great sets.

That night Zittlow, Timmy, The Dez, me and others got extremely intoxicated and I believe I passed out well after 5am. Woke up went to Brits for bloodys and scoccer at 10 am. Kept up with Z until about 4pm until I passed out again from boozing. Woke up at 8pm went directly to the bar and this is where I don't remeber anything. Apparently we ended up at the moose on monroe and I tried to talk to every girl and Zittlow had apprehend me from more than I few pissed off dudes. Whatever they're lucky they're not counting their broken bones.

Then on are way home I wandered into a random apartment building and then into a random apartment where a punk band was actually playing live music. Needless to say more than half the people there did not want Z and I there but we found some takers and got our hands on some warm busch light. After about 6 of those a piece we staggered away from our new friends at about 4:45am. I woke up the next day feeling like $10. My liver was laying outside my body saying "what the fuck is wrong with you?" Which I had no valid response.

Zittlow left at about 3pm and I had a kick ass set at Grumpy's up in Coon Rapids.

Needless to say I think I have to take it easy these next couple of days.

I have a show in WI Dells this weekend. Wow my career is really taking off.

EAT A FUCKING DICK

F. Steve

Keep it rollin' come on

2006-08-17T09:44:00.000-07:00

My closest fellow bloggarriors have not been spewing their own shit lately and I have decided to pick up the ball and let the shit role.

TWINS!!!!! What can you say, only 1 game back in the wild card and that Joe Mauer. What a doll!!! I never thought that another man's sideburnz (besides Matt Kriegler) could ever give me an erection, but Joe Mauer has proved it can happen.

Going to Chicago this weekend. I am doing a guest set at the Comedy Comedy Live club on friday night. I pretty excited for that. I'm also looking forward to the 600 beers that I'm going to drink with my brother and maybe screech if he comes down.

I want give out shout to my friend Timmy. I'm introducing him into my blog because he has been getting really drunk with me a lot lately and he has been a great sidekick for my quest to annoy every girl at the bar. Still no word back Timmy. I'll keep you posted.

Last weekend was well spent with a very drunk and out of control devil and mikey. Usually fireworks, whiskey, beer, bikes, and pellet guns don't mix but the devil and mikey made it seem like peanut butter and jelly. It was scary at times but I haven't laughed like that since the time I heard the story about Ed getting a random blow job. How we didn't get arrested I have no idea.

Timmy start a blog, I need something to do during the day.

DON'T EAT A DICK:

Flavor of Love----what a show. Flavor Flav walks around during the whole show eating fried chicken. WOW

Porn, or how I learned to stop worrying and love the dong-----Fringe show that some of my fellow comics put together.

The Twins: enough said

Sideburnz: He's moving in folks

Timmy: sidekick

Do EAT A DICK

that chick that won't call me back

The White Sox: especially AJ Prysinski (not the right spelling but I hate that fucker)

My long bars that won't fit on my satoshi

Screech being so far away

Bye

Say It Ain't So Screecho

2006-07-24T10:49:00.000-07:00

You know who moves to Milwaukee? Little pussys thats who. You know who lives in Milwaukee? Little tiny baby pussys thats who. So go ahead be a little smelly pussy. Hey screech when you go to the bathroom how many times do you wipe your pussy?

knock Knock

Who's there?

Screech the pussy thats who.

Say it aint so please oh please ahhhhhhhhh han han ahhhhh.....thats me crying. I've even been crying at work. Everyone is all like "Steve why are you crying" and I'm like "Fuck you, you wouldn't understand" and there like "woo whats your problem?" and I'm like "don't woooo me bitch, I tell people at work to wooo".

I know that screech is going to get way more sex if he lives in Milwaukee, I get that. But how many times is he going to get to see Fucking Steve hit on chicks all hamered or get in random fights with random people or have Fucking Steve lose one of his bikes or see him do beer bongs with out his shirt on.

How many time is screech going to get to fuck sideburnz or hear him say braaaaaaap or watch him go to bed at 9pm or see him get hammered or hear his ridicoulus laugh or see him do 1 handed wheelies.

What about the devil? How many times are you going to see the devil get all crazy and make Lindsey cry or watch him ride his bike into a moving car on purpose or hear his retarded laugh. What about punching walls and black berry brandi. What about beer and a pocket full of pennies.

Don't even get me started with Mikey. The worst part about mikey is that you won't get to see Jana but you also won't get to see mikey be a total asshole everywhere he roams. No more drunken evenings at varsity, no more drunken bike rides and derbies, no more karokee at sporty's, no more "fuck you pig fucker", no more weird touching, no more backyard bbqs.

What about Ed? No more first hand stories about his random blow jobs and slow leaking cherries, no more dating stories, or deodorant stories, ed's dad stories, no more bitching at ed or getting him high.

Just want you to know what your missing. I know this all adds up to about 4 blowjobs and 1 night of balls deep action and thats why I am willing to turn into transvestite to make you stay (calm down mikey this is just for screech). I will, I promise. I will suck your dick for you to stay, thats how much I want you to stay. I will even let you give it and I'll take it everytime. I will call you daddy and I will even let you do it without lube.

He might get sick of me after awhile so we might need someone else needs to step up.

Possible canidates for pleasing screech sexually:

Jana, Lindsey, Sideburnz, Mikey, Maria, any 17 year old girl would do the trick, ed, ed's mom, ed's dad, the girl that sucked ed off, that one girl with 1 arm, jesus freak, Shana???, brain, and any one of those ultra gay GP riders, oh yeah and Banning Ostro.

I'm making tee-shirts for all of us to wear that say:

I'LL TURN GAY FOR YOU TO STAY

Eat a dick everyone,

Fucking Steve

I feel like it

2006-06-26T12:07:00.000-07:00

I feel like blogging.

I had an interesting weekend I guess. I was in a wedding and it went pretty well. I Got to see a lot of old friends and I think I only embarassed myself a little (I wasn't the only one, Thoen couldn't even see), but we'll get to that later.

Sounds like I missed a pretty exciting Friday night, oh well there will be others. The Twins are fuckin hot right now. They have won 11 out of 12. Starten to come together Charlie, starten to come together.

What else, my mom and my dad were both at the wedding and reception. I can't believe the world didn't explode. I seriously thought that it would spawn the apocolypse. But all was all ok. My dad was fucking hilarious. He must of said "Fuck you Steve" 100 times in front of my friends. Oh the bond between father and son.

I couldn't hang out with him on sunday because he had to be at "fucking freshman orientation, son of a bitch" his words exactly.

Alright back to my incident. I got cut off at the bar during the reception. Yes it was only 10pm but fuck you. The bartender completely over-reacted.

All I did was knock over a shot glass accidently and when she said "Nice work idiot"

I proceeded to purposely push another shot glass off the bar and crashing to floor. She couldn't believe that I did it right in front of her and she was really surprised when I said, "How's that you fucking cunt".

Needless to say I wasn't allowed anywhere near the bar but that's ok my mom was there to feed me more drinks.

As my mom always says "You can't trust anyone that doesn't drink, they have something to hide."

Love ya all,

Eat A HUGE DICK

F. Steve

News

2006-06-09T13:23:00.000-07:00

Holy shit a new blog.

Sorry that I have kept up with my end of the bargain. I don't think many people read this anyway. Pretty much my 4 or 5 douche-bag (especially Mikey) friends. If you do read this and I don't really know you, check out my myspace profile and say hi. Just search for me under my name.

Anyway lets see, been drinking a lot it seems. Me and Screech agree that you drink a lot when your pissed about stuff. Which makes sense. Don't really know why but I have been going out a lot and getting really fucking hammered. This weekend won't be any different. I have a bachelor party in WI-Dells of all fucking places.

Stand-up is going well. I won my night for the first round of Acme's Funniest Person Contest. Hopefully my score will be high enough to get into the Semi-Finals. It was a good night overall, I went to the corner bar after my Acme set and did a very drunk set and then fell off my bike trying to ride home.

So I went on a couple of dates with this new girl. I want to protect her identity so lets refer to her as Jesus.

So Jesus and I went out and she wanted to go down by the river. I was like ok whatever Jesus. Then she wanted to jump down to a rock ledge right next to the river. Again, I was like whatever crazy Jesus. Well, she jumps and her wallet (Jesus's wallet) flys out of her Jesus purse and falls into the water. Since she is not really Jesus she could not possibly find the wallet at the bottom of the river. But neverless Jesus decided to jump in anyway without any luck. Meanwhile I am laughing my ass off, mostly internally. It was pretty goddam funny.

People/objects who should just plain eat a dick:

Ann Coulter.....what the fuck????
The Cubs......Horrible
The Twins....Horrible
Middle Aged, Male, Bar-League soft ball players....I shouldn't have to explain

People/objects who should not eat dick unless they want to:

Ipods....sometimes I forget how sweet they are
Ike Reilly....awesome
Screech coming back

Thats it, so fuck you

EAT A DICK

F. Steve

May 18th

2006-05-18T11:18:00.000-07:00

My name is Fucking Steve and Myspace has ruined my life.

I spend 8 hours a day staring at a computer screen tracking my profile views like an aids patient counting his T-Cells.

I have completely lost my mind. I fill out surveys to find out what kind of lesbian I am. My self-esteem is soley based on the # of friends I have. But please don't get me started on my Hot or Not ranking. There is no fucking way that I am only a 5 out of 10. I am at least a 7 for christ sake.

In other news, Doug Stanhope is unreal. I never gave him a chance before because of his shitty tv work (The Man Show and Girls Gone Wild) but as stand-up comedian he is top notch. If you get a chance check out his Deadbeat Hero show. You can get it on netflix. Its not for the soft hearted and I do not advise showing it to children.

My favorite part is when he talks about his wife having an abortion. The crowd goes into the tank for this whole bit. He talks about how awful the clinic was and he is getting 0 laughs. Then he starts to say that the reason they got the abortion was not because they couldn't take care of it, or they didn't have enough money, or that it was a frivolous relationship, or any of that. The real reason they got an abortion is because he wanted to know what it felt like to kill a baby.

Yeah, this guy holds nothing back and I love it. Check him out if you can.

What else, I need to know by Monday who wants to come to my show on June 1st at acme. I need to send in a list of names next week so you guys can get in for free. Please let me know asap. Out of the people that read this blog that pretty much means Ed, Mikey, and Jana. So let me know if you want to come guys.

White Iron Band this weekend. Saturday night at Cabooze. Some CD release show. I plan on getting extremely intoxicated while Big J. bitches about everything under the sun.

Screech are you going??????

EAT SHANA"S GIGANTIC DICK

F. Steve

Nick Lachey and Myspace

2006-05-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

Remember when MTV was a place to go to find the new and best music artists, watch MUSIC videos, and maybe get an occasional news break on the falling of Berlin Wall. Remember.....wasn't that great. I'm not saying music was better back then, I am just saying maybe TV was better.

Now what do we get on MTV? Fucking Laguna Beach, My Sweet 16, Real World, Date My "cunty rich" Mom, and Nick Lachey has a new show. Just him, no hot dumbass girl by his side, just him and his spiked hair and stupid hats. Besides Screech, does anyone care about this no talent dripping anus? Seriously he has his own show now.

Its like MTV asked itself "How can we make TV unbearable?", "How can we make America's youth more retarded?", "How many cunts can we put on tv at once?".

It's not just MTV.

Thank god, Freddie Prince Jr. has his own sitcom now. Thank baby Jesus, you can't ever get enough of Prince Jr. While were at it can I get a channel that just shows Mariah Carey 24 hours a day, please. I want to torture myself as much as possible. How come its been five minutes and nobody has given me a fucking update on Brittney's new baby. Come on people I am dying to know. The sooner it comes out the sooner it will develop a coke problem.

TV has made this country fucking retarded. More people vote for American Idol than they do in the presidential election. No wonder ass-hat has been elected twice.

With that said does anyone know what happened on the OC last night? Seriously I forgot to Tivo it.

Contest and stuff

2006-05-10T10:13:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in a long time and I apologize for that. There is no excuse for it besides the fact that I suck.

Anyway, what new hmmmm.........oh yeah the Cubs have lost 8 straight games. I know its lame for me to be that into it but seriously the Cubs have not won a World Series since 1908, not kidding. I'm flying to Chicago on Friday night to see my brother's Cary and Bob Jr. Cary is bringing his girlfriend who I have not met. She looks pretty hot in the pictures I have seen and she is younger than I am. I can't wait to hit on her. Not to mention that I get to go to Wrigley Field for two cub games.

I have entered into the Acme Funniest Person of the Year Competition. It is an amateur competition that streches over 4 months. My first round is on June 1st and I get 20 free entries. So if any of you are interested in coming let me know. I have to submit a list of names in a couple of weeks. If you are coming they will have your name at the box office and they will let you in. Let me know asap. I only get 3 min and after the 5 contestants for night are done with their 3 min. there is a real show with professional touring comics. So you will get at free show. Let me know if you want to come.

All my friends are graduating and that's cool. Expect for Devil, Mikey, Jana, Lindsey, Big J, ect. ect. I guess only a couple are graduating, anyway sweet party at screeches on saturday and I hope all goes well for our newest entrants into the old rat race.

Take it easy bitches,

EAT A DICK

Yeah Ok Uh Ha Yeah Ok Sure

2006-04-28T13:18:00.000-07:00

I haven't blogged in a long time and I apologize. Baseball season has started and I spend most of my computer time looking at fantasy baseball stuff.

Anyway, I did two shows last night. I opened up a show at The Well in Coon Rapids. It went ok I guess. The mic kept cutting out and there was a lot of background noise from the bar. Then this really old guy started to wonder around right in front of the stage while I was doing my set. At first I didn't say anything but then he just kept circling around the tables. It was really distracting so finally I asked him if he wanted me to draw him a map?

He said "What?" with a that I just crapped myself look on his face that old people make. The comics were all laughing but the crowd thought I was a dick. Oh well it was kind of funny.

I got done with that set and was able to make it to the Corner Bar for another set. It was great there last night. There was big crowd and some of the best comics in the area came out. Tommy Ryman was there and he always makes me shit myself with laughter.

I was just thinking at work today about how there are plural forms of words that don't need a plural form. When in everyday conversation do you need to say the word penises?

"I have a handful of penises."

"All of the penises are mad."

"I got my three penises stuck in my zipper."

Just a thought.

EAT THREE VERY LARGE PENISES

F. Steve

Summer time

2006-04-18T13:44:00.000-07:00

One of the best things about the warm weather is that I will not have to see anyone wearing one of those stocking hats that have a baseball cap brim on them.

God I fucking hate those things.

Make a fucking decision man. Either be warm or look cool. You can't have both.

The worse part about it is that the dude wearing that hat is probably getting laid while I sit here bitching and thining the skin on my palm.

Anyway, life is ok. The cubs are 8-4, decent start. The Twins are doing better than I thought they would.

So at work today I had a client call in that wanted $20,000 transfered to her chk acc. No big deal really but she was all worried about and kept asking me questions.

I finished the transactions while she was on the phone because she wouldn't shut the fuck up. Finally she asks "will you send me a receipt when this is finished?" I told her that a receipt is sent via mail and that I do not have access to it. I only set up the transaction.

She then asked if I could email her the receipt when I finish. I told her again that I don't have access to it and that it will be sent via mail.

She then asked me to send her an e-mail confirming that I completed the transaction. I told her that I finished it while we were on the phone.

She said, "please send me an email telling me you completed it".

I said, "I am telling you I just did it".

She said, "I want you to email me it."

I said, "You want me to send you an email that says I just did it even though I am telling you that I just did it. That seems a little inefficient."

She says, "I want an email."

I said, "Ok."

So I sent her an email that said 1 line,

I just did it.

I can't wait to get fired.

Eat a fairly large and somewhat satisfying dick.

F. Steve

Don't Stop Believing

2006-04-13T13:53:00.000-07:00

Screech has inspired me to just fucking write and not worry about spelling or grammar. So fuck off Jana.

Ed, I love you. More than 17 year old girls. Even more than slutty 17 year old girls. Even more than slutty, anal loving 17 year old girls. Even more than two slutty, anal loving 17 year old girls.

Ok, got that out of the way.

Next, Zach Galafianakis is hilarious. He is my favorite comedian of today. I would have his babies if I could and then I would fuck them in the ass

I feel like being really dirty and obnoxios.

I hope that when I get fired from this place they look through my computer files and find my blog. That would be awesome.

There is this woman that works next to me and she always says things to me about my size. Today she said, "Your hands are so boney."

I am going to snap one of these days and say

"your ass is so fat."

"What does it feel like to be divorced? You fucking cunt."

Its the first time I have ever wanted to sleep with a ugly, overweight, middle aged woman just to hate fuck her.

Ok this blog is getting out of hand. Lets pull it back a little.

I am excited for tonight. Have some burgers at screeches, stand-up, and sportys.

EAT A PENIS WITH A MUSTACHE PAINTED ON IT

Baseball, Cars, Stand-up, and my friends

2006-04-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

I have not blogged in awhile but I have not had any inspirado. But I do now.

Baseball has started and I am way into it. I play fanatasy baseball, which is like D & D but for sports geeks. The only difference is that we probably get laid more.

Anyway, all I do at work is follow baseball games on the internet. The cubs are losing 4-0 in the bottom of the 4th. My fanatsy team is very average but I will come through don't worry.

I want to thank everyone for coming out and seeing my show on Sunday. I know it probably wasn't best show but it wasn't my worst either. I will try not to get hit by a car the night before next time.

Hung out with Screech, Big J, and Timmy last night.

Shut-up!!!! .....................Fuck you!!!!

That was funny.

Anyway, usually when I am all drunk and fucked up I don't write anything that makes sense or that is funny. Last night was an exception. Screech and I were making eachother laugh and I think that we spawned some pretty funny shit. If I can mold it right, you all might see it on stage someday.

I must say Sideburnz's blog is getting hella good.

GO CUBS

EAT AN AVERAGE, PLEASANT, AND NORMAL DICK

F. Steve

My First Semi-Real Gig

2006-03-30T09:30:00.000-08:00

I just got booked for my first real show last night. Yeah, I know fucking sweet.

I am scheduled to do a set on April 9th at Alex Cole's Comedy Showcase located at Jitters on E. Hennipen. They are featuring 3 other comics and there is a 2 for 1 drink special.

I have about 20 free passes I need to give away and would like all of my friends to come out. I know it is on a Sunday but I would really appreciate the support. I am also sure that we could get under 21 people in if they don't drink because I am sure they won't card.

With that said I would like to address something that has been brought to my attention.

Apparently some people, I am not going to mention their real names so lets just call them Jim Prenaski and Pater Slanagans, were out riding their bikes with TT helmets on.

Wow, I don't even know if I am that lame. These guys better be careful or they might not ever get laid again.

Will I ever get laid again? I mean it has to happen sometime right?

Don't get me wrong beating off is great but I should be sharing my stallioness with someone other than the girls in the "Two Chicks, One Dick" movies right?

Is Stallioness even a word?

Is blogging narcissistic?

what does narcissistic mean?

If a dick falls down in a forest, will I go blind?

EAT A SMALL UNCIRCUMCISED PENIS

I DID NOT WRITE THIS

2006-03-29T11:28:00.000-08:00

I came across this on MYSPACE and thought you all might get a kick out of it.

Again, I did not write this and I will keep the identity of the author secret for his/her protection.

First Blogger wrote:

How can three or four guys, all in matching sideways hats, black shirts and messenger bags, talk to each other at a show and not make out? I was just so mad i had to blog. Nice suitcases, dudes.

Second Blogger wrote:

They're "The Minneapolis Deuche Bags" duh, a new gang of whimsical gay street dancers. They have the same wardrobe designer as Ashton Kutcher during his hilarious "Punked" escapades, except their look is more "Midwest Represent" yo! They ride their bikes in circles around Minneapolis Dive bars screaming for PBR's, while groaing to their "boo" about insufficient sperm counts from sitting on their seats so long.So Midwest...and so gay!

Essentials:
1. Messenger bag.
2. Fixed Gear or Single-speed bike
3. cut-off dickeys
4. Black t-shirts emblazoned with favorite band or beer logo
5. Tattoos
6. Holier than thou presence accompanied by sarcastic smirk.

Seriously, what's the point of dressing up like your favorite Good Charlotte band member at the age of 29? What's the point in dressing up at all? I prefer kahki shorts and a nice cotton-T myself, preferably one that's a bit inchubnito.

---------------------------------------------------------------

I thought some of you might get a kick out of this. I can't help laughing.

EAT A DICK THAT JUST GOT DONE FUCKING AN ASS

F. Steve

Friday Pocket-tee day

2006-03-24T12:01:00.000-08:00

Today is casual friday at work and people still wear nice collar shirts and ties. I rolled in 10 min. late with one pant leg rolled up (rode to work), skull socks, and my green holey pocket tee-shirt.

Its casual friday fuckers. Your lucky I am not high.

Big ups for everyone that came to the show. The feedback has been all positive and I am very happy that everyone enjoyed the show.

Moneyness:

Amber Preston hitting on Screech hard.

Craigers passing out on the couch halfway through the show.

Sideburnz bitch slapping Mikey hard (and yes he deserves from past actions, but don't we all).

Big J and Timmy laughing hard.

Scott Brady's set (very funny guy).

F. Steve ripping on the table full of douche bags during his set. They were white guys all decked out in hip hop gear. I told them, "You guys kind of scare me. But then again I am affraid of black people."

Most offensive joke competition. My joke: "what's 18 inches long and makes women scream? Crib Death."

Final Moneyness: Hot bartender chick at sporty's, Hayoooooo!

Overall it was a great night.

Eat an enormous erect penis,

F. Steve

Stand-up

2006-03-21T12:38:00.000-08:00

I am inviting all of my friends and others who may read this blog to come to the Comedy Corner at the Corner Bar for a show on Thursday night. Starts at 10pm and usually lasts about 1.5 hours.

Some of the best Comedians from the Twin Cities area will be performing for free. So even if I suck, you will still be able to see some very talented comics. We can all have a few drinks and then ride over to Sporty's and piss off Jana.

Other than that my St. Patricks day sucked. Look, I work hard every weekend to party and get fucked up. I don't need a special day to wear green and get drunk.

Apparently everyone from the suburbs uses St. Pat's day as an excuse to flood the city, wear green, and piss me off.

Where are you fuckers every other weekend?

What Champs isn't good enough for you tonight?

So I rebelled. I wore a brown shirt and got really high with the devil.

Eat a huge fucking dick,

Steve

Sideburnz and friends

2006-03-15T11:13:00.000-08:00

I want to create a sketch comedy show called Sideburnz and friends. There would be 4 main characters.

Sideburnz played by Jeff Bridges:

Andrew played by Dustin Diamond:

Mikey played by David Schwimmer:

F. Steve played by Macaulay Clukin:

The show would reanact the lives of the four characters.

Sidebunrz's character would throw clay pots, brew his own beer, smell, walk around in boxers, tell people to shut up, work Maria over, watch gopher hockey, eat cheese balls, pop wheelys, and go to bed at 9pm.

Andrew's character would watch reality tv, drink cosmo's, dress well, call himself the "closer", be very loud, get drunk a lot, be a little gay (not all the way suck dick kind of gay, just a little), play air guitar, do tonk stuff, worry and complain, and JUST make out with Cara.

Mikey's character would hump everyone, piss his girlfriend off, argue with everyone just to argue, tell you he is coming and then not show up, stay out of jail, be really gay, knock girls off their bikes, and generally just be an asshole.

Steve's character would have a shitty job, watch baseball, wear arm warmers, ride a clown bike, masterbate a lot, be an asshole, hit on girls, show his tongue to every girl around, have a huge penis, and say hola a lot.

Poker and Poke Her

2006-03-13T12:08:00.000-08:00

My brother came up on friday. We got into a home poker tournament through a friend of my brother's. For those who may not know I am a pretty good player. I have not played much of late but I have studied the game (Hold Em') for three years. Going into friday I had won 3 large tournaments (paying over $1500) in the past 2 years.

There were about 50 people in the tournament and I noticed very early in the tournament that there were probably 5 decent players (including my brother and I).

To make a long story short or shorter I won the tournament and walked out with $800. Not bad for 5 hours of work. It was late and we all went to bed.

The next day I got up rode out to where my brother was staying and started drinking at noon. We smoked some chickens and ate and drank. We were all drunk by 5pm.

We went Nye's and drank more. Devil and lindsey showed up and had few drinks with us. I think that they decided we were too out of control to stay with.

We went to the Otter. I hit on every girl I could. I even kissed a girl on the lips right in front of her boyfriend because my brother dared me to. The dude was so pissed but I avoided a fight.

Then I hit on this other girl and told her if she did not want me to talk to her she can just tell me. The next words out of her mouth were "Leave me alone". I love it.

Then we went to Legends and I don't know how we didn't get kicked out. My brother was completely gone. He was dancing with chairs (humping them really) and beating off beer bottles until beer sprayed everywhere.

A girl got pissed at him and he just said "Can I see your AVERAGE rack". Vintage Bob Jr.

We made it all the way to bar close. We drank for 14 hours straight. I don't even know how I got home but I am glad I remeber some of it.

I puked 6 times on sunday but I still managed to eat a po-boy with the devil.

I hope Tucson is going well.

Eat a big mother fucking dick.

F. Steve

Not Going to Tucson

2006-03-10T09:51:00.000-08:00

I am not going to Tucson and I am kind down because of it. It is one of my favorite trips to take. I will never forget the times I had with everyone down there. I hope everyone has a great time being gay with eachother for a week.

Last night was interesting. I did a show and then rode over to Andy's (freshman Andy from the bike team) house. I was very pleased to see that some cool cats like Andy and Brian are carrying on the tradition of jackassery for the UofM cycling team.

Anyway, I showed up and Mikey punched me in the mouth immediately (not lying) . I don't really know why but I got really pissed off. I cooled down a little after a couple of pulls on the Jack Daniels bottle. Screech, Sideburnz, and Mikey were all hammered when I got there. So of course they were being assholes to the point where people were just staying clear of them. I joined in as soon as was able. There were a lot of young hot girls there but they were too young and innocent for me to pull out any fucking steveness, so I saved it for this weekend.

Then we decided to take Andy and Brian (both under the age of 20) to the bar. Got them in, got them hammered, sang, and made Jana cry. Well I guess it was really just Mikey that made her cry. He was in rare form.

I wonder if Mikey and Jana will break up. I guess that would be cool because then I could hit on her with out feeling bad. Wait I already do and I don't feel bad.

Overall it was a good night. I had a good show too. Probably my best so far.

Anyway, EAT A DICK

INSPIRADO

2006-03-07T15:11:00.000-08:00

You can not manufacture inspirado.

Work blows my donkey dick. I can't stand it. It is so boring and if one more rich fucker calls me to complain because his $1.5 million account lost $1,000 today I am going to take a shit on the first Mercedes I see.

With that said there is a hot girl that works like 3 rows over from me. So I guess that is cool. I haven't shown her my tongue yet, so you know playing it slow. I guess its pretty obvious that she wants me. I am just waiting for her to make a move.

The weekend was a little insane. Rode out to Chain drank a ridiculous amount and then partied at Wie's (spelling) house. It was cool, a lot of craziness that I don't think I can repeat. Those of us who were there understand. Screech and I did not ride home until 5am and it is beyond me how that kid can function after drinking that much.

My older brother is coming up this weekend. Most of you have not met him but he is pretty cool and very funny. For those who are not going to Tucson, we should hangout.

The White Iron Band is in town on Saturday. It is something you just have to see.

On Stage at Grumpies tomorrow and Corner Bar Thursday.

Deep Thoughts..........by Jack Hanley

2006-03-02T13:44:00.000-08:00

So I just got that I did not get the job that I interviewed for on Monday. I don't get it. I thought I had a steller interview. I was down to the top 3 again. That has to be at least the 5th job that I have been in the last 3 candidates for the position.

I mean I don't get it. Do I smell? Are my teeth too yellow? Am I too attractive? Is my penis too enormous? Am I too stupid? Am I too horny? I am too 15 year old looking? Do I hit on chicks too much? Do I call my friend's girlfriends whores too much? Do I hit on Jana, Maria, and soon Cara too much? Am I too much of an incredible stallion in the sack? Do I fantasize about fucking sideburnz to much. Maybe I am just too big of an asshole.

Fuck it, the next interview I get I am going to bring in a tape recorder and try to bomb the interview as much as can. Then we can all listen to it and shit our pants with laughter.

Interviewer: "So Steve where do you see yourself a year from now"

Steve: "Doing your wife".

On a brighter note:

Last night I went to Screech's and we laughed for an hour straight over absolutely nothing. I am serious I can't remeber one specific thing that made me laugh, I just know that we laughed at eachother for an hour. I do remeber laughing at him referring to himself as the "The Closer", god that makes me shit myself.

Then I went to Grumpies and did stand up and it was all good.

I will be on stage again tonight at the corner bar at 10pm. Then I will be going to Sportmans to hangout with my beloved friends.

Peace

Ash Wednesday

2006-03-01T12:03:00.000-08:00

Screech seems to think that my posts may be a little too raw for the public eye. So I will tone it down a bit.

What is it about Ash Wednesday that makes me want to kill a cow with my bare hands, fuck its dead carcass in the ass, and then lop off a huge raw piece of ribeye to eat.

I don't know must be all the Charles Manson look alikes walking around the IDS Center.

Stop trying to censor me bitch. I am sick person. This is what makes me laugh.

Other than that I am going on stage tonight and tomorrow. People should come out on Thursday to the Comedy Corner at the Corner Bar. There always some pretty funny comics there, so it should be a good time.

Peace

Feb. 28th OK maybe

2006-02-28T09:30:00.000-08:00

So I was watching tv and I saw this ad for a video game. I swear to god this is exactly how the ad went. This was a real ad. Maybe you have seen it.

First frame of the ad is a scene from the game. The screen shows one hand holding a gun, shooting a million bullets everywhere and bullet cases flying everywhere. Walls, people, everything is just geting all shot the fuck up.

Then it cuts to the next frame and shows the cover of the game. The cover is a picture of a big pile of bullets and in big letters the name of the game is at the top........"BLACK".

Yeah, that's it "BLACK". Are you fucking kidding me.

What is the object of this game to get your welfare check and eat fried chicken. I mean are they serious?

Come on everybody lets be stereotypical bastards!

Are they going to come out with a game where you walk around in dockers and go bowling
called "WHITE".

How about a game where you dress really nice and get HIV. You could call it
"GAY".

Or how about a game where you walk around and be a complete douchebag. You could call it "REPUBLICAN".

Or how about a game where you can fly planes into stuff to blow it up. You could call it

"THE JAPANESE DURING WWII" HAYOOOO!! you thought I was going to say Arab.

Ha, fuckers.

Anyway, I just thought this was a little insane. But it did give me something to write about.

1st Draft: Burning the Flag

2006-02-27T15:15:00.000-08:00

This is just something I wrote awhile ago and I thought I would just use it for my first blog. I don't want to talk about my weekend. Others have covered it, lets fucking move on. Soma has not called yet.

FLAG BURNING
I have something to say about this issue. We all need to back up and think logically about this, ok. Are your ready for some fucking logic? Here you go.

The Supreme Court ruled that if burn a flag you don't have to go to jail. Thats it end of story, they did not say it is cool to burn a flag or that you have to burn your flag or that you should. They just said that you don't have to go to jail for it.

"But I don't want to burn my flag",

Fine good don't, you don't have to. Relax, think, take a breath, use your brain.

"But my uncle died for that flag",

really thats too bad because I bought my at K-Mart.

"My dad died in Korea for that flag",

My flag was made in Korea, wow crazy, what a small world.

News flash, are you ready, strap yourself in. No one in the history of the world has ever died for a flag. Its a piece of cloth.

THEY DIED FOR AMERICA'S IDEOLOGY (whatever that may or may have been at the time).

I don't think people should burn the flag. I would not burn the flag.
But think logically, our friends and family members who have fought for AMERICA died for freedom and if you think about it.......its freedom to burn the fucking flag.

It does not make freedom go away because it is kind of like freedom.
See when think of things logically they kind of make sense. We all need to calm down and think a little. And stop watching FOX NEWS.

My 2 cents